The Faylinn Report With Guest Star Chieftain Coyolxauhqui
by Faylinn Night
Summary: I grill a TMNT OC in a talk show parody called "The Faylinn Report". For craps. For giggles. For revenge.


**A/N:** Warning - crack, silliness, and education to follow

 **Disclaimer:** I own me, the OC, and the K'ekchi terms, but not 'Aliens' or a neuralyzer, unfortunately.

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 **CAUSE AND EFFECT:** **THE FAYLINN REPORT WITH GUEST STAR CHIEFTAIN COYOLXAUHQUI**

"Cowabunga, Dudes, and Dudettes! Welcome to 'The Faylinn Report.' I'm your host Faylinn Night, and joining me in a (what should be) enlightening interview is my latest main character, Chieftain Coyolxauhqui. Give her a hand, folks!"

Surrounded by darkness, Coyolxauhqui sits in a chair below a spotlight. She blinks, glancing around. Confused? Naturally. While she adjusts, I'll inform the audience a little more.

"Legally considered a dwarf, her nickname is Coyo, and she hails from an Amazonian tribe called the K'ekchi. That's right, you _have_ heard about them on multiple occasions throughout 'The Cause and Effect Saga.' Ya know? April's consigners. Crafters of those ugly statues Nia collects. A long-time enemy of Bishop. You get the idea. Leo has much to learn on his journey with them throughout 'The Distance.' But unfortunately, Coyo and her tribe have just been one giant pain in my ass."

"What is 'ass'?" Coyo asks. Her eyes widen as she looks down. Guess she just noticed the translator collar around her neck.

"See that choker, hon? It was necessary. I don't speak Nahuatl. Your English sucks. I watch a lot of Sci-Fi. This was the best solution. Now. Let's have a look at your general stats, shall we?"

Coyo leans forward. "Coyo has stats? Are they lethal?"

"…Okay, note to self: does not comprehend slang."

"What is slang? Should Coyo know it?"

"No. Well, yeah. But not right now. Wait; did you just refer to yourself in the third person?"

"Huh?" Coyo glances around. "Is there a third person? Coyo does not see them."

"There. Right there! You just called yourself Coyo."

"Coyo is my name. Why is that odd?"

"But you just—"

"I do not understand."

"Oh, jeez. Okay. Another note: refers to self in the third person for reasons unknown, but denies ever doing so."

"Coyo—"

"Moving on. Your profile says you're curvy with thunder thighs and unruly hair that Leo will learn to fear. Care to elaborate?"

"What?" Coyo shakes her head, peeking through the cool-brown locks that fall into her eyes. "What is wrong with my hair?"

"Says here, and I quote, 'It's not often clean, and if she runs her hands through it, she'll likely find bits of plants, food, and sometimes…bugs?' Ew! Really?"

"Oh." Coyo's shoulders slump as she laughs. "I was worried."

"There are bugs in your hair, and that's alright with you?"

"Coyo lives in the rainforest. K'ekchi people share home with nature."

"Which makes it okay for bugs to live on your scalp?"

"A few are no trouble. Any more, I shake them out in a place where they can thrive."

"You don't kill them?"

"And anger the Great Spirit? Are you mad?" Coyo swings forward, likely in an attempt to stand, but then finds she can't leave the chair. And the chair can't leave the floor. "Eh?"

"On a less disgusting note, let's talk tattoos. Like your full-body ones. Teal is an unusual color. Does it represent anything?"

Coyo sends a vacant stare. Was it done in defiance or absentmindedness?

"Alrighty. What about designs? There're a lot of completed circles and curved lines. Like sun rays. Any reason why?"

Coyo continues to stare.

"Oh, come on!"

"I cannot reveal such sacred information to Yaoqui."

"Yah-oh—what?"

"Ya-oh-quee. Outsiders."

"Is that Nahuatl?"

Coyo returns to staring.

"Tsk. There goes my goal of having at least one love interest being not-so-stubborn."

"Coyo no stubborn. Coyo loyal. She will never forsake Eztaca."

"What's 'es-tah-kah?"

"The Pact."

"Whose pact?"

Coyo shakes her head, round chin lifting.

"Fine, woman. I'll add 'stubbornly loyal' to your character traits—right between 'obnoxiously curious' and 'highly insecure.'"

"In—insecure? Insecure in what?"

"Uh, almost everything? Mainly in your ability to lead."

"That is…"

"True? I know. It's the one thing I have written in pen on this paper, next to your fears of the EPF's success and crushing your brother's spirit."

Coyo's expression hardens, and she again tries to stand. When she fails, she snorts, kicking up her free legs like a kangaroo.

"Don't like being reminded of those things, huh, Coyo? Would you consider that a 'pet peeve'? I need more of those."

"Consider it what you will." Coyo strains until her brown face turns red. "I am my own person."

"That's—what's that got to do with anything?"

"Coyo is good. Good!"

"Girl, I think you're totally misunder—"

"I am no less K'ekchi for wanting to call Huitzi 'brother' or because I believe the Great Spirit wishes us to evolve with our world!"

I quirk a brow. "Interesting; most K'ekchi are traditionalists. Huitzi included."

Coyo's struggling eases, her gaze lowering to the floor. "Yes. He is."

"Have you always thought that way?"

Coyo turns aside, although the answer is evident.

"Since childhood? Long time. Does anyone else in your tribe share your viewpoints?"

"My best friend, Izel."

"I have notes on her, too. She's the resident rebel who shaves her head and doesn't sugar-coat anything. Reminds me of Ripley from Aliens, actually. Only a little more jovial."

Coyo's head cocks. "Aliens?"

"Nevermind. So, Izel. If she disagrees with K'ekchi viewpoints, why does she stick around?"

"Stick?"

"Stay. Why are you two living among people who tell you what you _should_ believe when it obviously pains you?"

"You think Coyo is a Calpollitopan?"

"Okay, I give. What's that?"

"A deserter. One who forsakes the K'ekchi. Izel may not believe in conformity. However, she is as loyal to our tribe as I am. They are family."

"Even though they keep pushing you towards a role you loathe?"

Coyo's eyes narrow. "Would you find it easy to turn your back on those who raised you?"

"I'm just sayin'. You never _wanted_ to be Chieftain."

"That is because I"—Coyo sighs—"I am not what my tribe feels it needs."

"Maybe that's a good thing."

"Neither my brother nor the Elders believe so."

"Well, if all goes to plan, Leo will."

"Who is Leo?"

"Wow. It took you this long to point him out? What about before when I—know what? Forget it." I wave my hand. "You'll find out. Let—let's get back to the, uh, tribe. Despite your general immaturity—"

"Coyo is not immature! She is over fifty-two seasons old."

"Right. Regardless, it takes a special person to—what's the word? Endure? Nah. Uh, support? Let's go with support. Support a tribe who thinks you're in the wrong. That says a lot about your character, Coyo."

"How can Coyo not support them? K'ekchi roles differ, but we are equals in one sense. We all bear the Mark of Eztaca."

"You mean the tattoos or…?"

Coyo's bright eyes focus on me. Weird; they seemed more orange than usual. "Whether a Tonalquizca or Calpocatl or Cihuapatli, we protect the Teonehnemi."

"Teh-oh-neh-neh-mee roughly translates to 'Spirit Walkers,' doesn't it? It's another word for—"

"Those who our ancestors have sworn Eztaca to. It is the mantel every K'ekchi bears."

"Even rebels like Izel?"

"Especially rebels like Izel. She would ignore her inventory quota with Elder Matlal countless times, but she would never betray a Teo, even if it cost her life."

I whistle. "That's some courage, especially coming from a Cal-po-cal. Am I sayin' that right? Don't they make, like, clothes and baskets?"

"They do."

"There's another class of artisans, too. The Yah-oh-cal?"

"Artisans of weapons, yes."

"That seems more up her alley, doesn't it?"

"What is an alley?"

I groan. "Wouldn't Izel prefer to forge a spear instead of a basket?"

"Roles are assigned. We have no choice."

"So you're both stuck in the same boat."

Coyo falls silent under the spotlight. Her brows furrow then ease, her ankles crossing. "Coyo is not in a boat. Is she?"

Dear God, I swear this girl's literalness will drive me insane!

"Uh, a—are you alright? Are you choking?"

I slam the desk Coyo's bio file is spread across. "Let's move on, shall we? Maybe to something a little easier before we tie things up."

"What are we tieing?"

"My neck to the ceiling if this goes on much longer."

"If what does?"

"Listen, woman. I'm the interviewer, alright? I ask the questions."

"Coyo is confused."

"Surprise, surprise. So, Coyo, what're some of your favorite things?"

Coyo blinks.

"Too vague? Figures. Let's make this easy. What's your favorite color?"

"Oh." Coyo smiles. "Chocolatic."

"I'm going to associate that with chocolate and thus the color brown." I take note of the woman's preference in her bio. "Now. You don't watch TV…But you could still have favorite stories. Got any books ya like?"

"For generations, tales had been passed down orally in my tribe. Not long has passed since we were introduced to, uh, literature."

"That's not really an answer. But whatever. How'd you guys discover books then?"

"Trading. Our resources have been dwindling, which has forced us to seek help outside the tribe. It is a private affair so the Yaoqui cannot exploit it. My brother is our translator. He is the only one who speaks with O'Niel."

"April O'Niel, yeah?"

"She is very generous. Gave us the books we have now as gifts. Few K'ekchi have an interest in them, but I love the 'Fairy Tales.'"

"So you read?"

"No." Coyo's cheeks darken. "Izel reads to me."

"Sounds about right. What's your favorite time of day?"

"Sunrise, when all is peaceful."

"Ooh, something you and Leo can bond over. Finally. What about a favorite season?"

"Dry Season. It brings new life and promise. Wet Season is necessary yet also…depressing."

"Uh-huh. Any hobbies? How do you spend your free time?"

"Outside the village, if possible. There is a spot by a sea cliff where Coyo is surrounded by nature."

"That's where you play your flute, isn't it?"

"Yes. Its songs and the ocean soothe me."

"Sounds like the perfect spot for you and Leo to spend time together."

"Who is this—"

"What's your favorite animal?"

Coyo squirms, her eyes averted. "Allum."

"Why do I get the feeling those aren't from Earth?"

Coyo sends me a faint, annoying smile. That settles matters.

"I can't take any more of this headache, Coyolxauhqui. Wave goodbye to the camera."

Coyo can't, of course, being tied to a chair and all. Not that she knows what a camera is. I gather the papers on my desk then produce a pair of sunglasses and a cylindrical device from my purse.

"What is that?" Coyo asks.

I smirk as I slip on the sunglasses. "A neuralyzer. You wouldn't get the reference. Thank you for your time, but I can't have you walking around wondering who Leo is before you actually meet him."

"Huh?"

I push the little, red button. What a dream come true.


End file.
